Veil

Another writing from my friend PB....how he knows my soul and what I'm thinking and feeling is beyond me. Still...his writings touch my heart and soul:

You have been living under the veil for so long,
You've forgotten what it was like to be free of it.
And now you remember, and feel it lifting,
But not a word to anyone, not yet,
Not until the light shines full on your face,
And the words flow freely, and your spirit soars.

Read the writings of your beginning,
And of the time that you can mark,
In which the descent first began,
And you will see that you were not as lost
As you remember.

Nor are you now.

Will there be pizza in heaven?

More than ten years ago, my friend who taught mentally handicapped children was asked by one of her students, 'Miss, will there be pizza in heaven?' She responded to the teenager, 'There will be whatever you want to be in your heaven.'

I think of this often. Thinking back to my childhood and knowing that my favorite doll would be with me in heaven...I even went so far as to imagine, plan and plot what all would be in my coffin with me so that they could go to heaven with me.

Now, more than 50 years later, I think about my heaven...here on earth and in the afterlife. What things do we gather about us now that give us comfort, sustain us and inspire us? I live alone and most likely will live this way for the rest of my life. Sure, there is my daughter/step children and there are my grand children and most certainly there may be friends and lovers come in and out of my life, but ultimately I am totally alone.

People talk about how time flies and how much faster it flies as one ages. When you are alone, time creeps by second by second...sometimes nanosecond by nanosecond. I don't like it but I live it. I don't have a clue what keeps me putting one foot in front of the other.

I have pared down my possessions to a semimanageable amount. I have things on my walls and on shelves that give me comfort. I have things on my shelves and in boxes and baskets of writings and genealogy that I want to 'get done'. They are in the same places that they were 5 years ago. I still look around and want to get rid of more. We come in this world with nothing...we leave with nothing. Sometimes I think I want to just get rid of every single item. Then times I think of what is the bare minimum I would keep...what if there was a tornado or disaster that I would need to gather with me my most important possessions?

The most important question I think I need to ask myself is what do I need to sustain myself. Do I want to be inspired? Do I just want to close up and hibernate to myself till the end of my life? Something tells me it's going to be a long dang lifetime. Do I venture out and get inspired? I know me...I would want to share that inspiration. At this point in my life, I'm tired of opening up to another person and sharing my mind and heart. And, yet, here I am writing my words to a vast impersonalble internet in a blog. Is this how a hermit begins?

To my girlfriends...

I read this and it touched me....

When you and I become old ladies sitting on a park bench, remind me to say...I love you

How is it....

How is it....that I can matter so little to various people in my life that at one point I did and then the next point I don't? How can I sustain faith that God would find I matter when someone I know tangeably can throw me away? Why is it that other people can be kept...and I can not? What makes me think God won't just throw me away too?

Love with a whole heart

RLP

Love with a whole heart. and love me for who i am ...not who you wish me to be

Real from The Velveteen Rabbit

Quoted from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

“What is REAL” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

“I suppose you are Real?” said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Sink Horse only smiled.

“The Boy’s Uncle made me Real,” he said. “That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

What I Want

I made a list of what I want in a man as a partner....yes, it's long and detailed....but like my brother tells me....'If you're gonna hunt for bear....might as well be Grizzly!' That I would get one man who has a 100% of these qualities is unreasonable thinking. That I would get one man who has a majority of these qualities....boggles the mind!

What I want in a man/partner:

Thoughtfullness
Willing to share
Thoughtful
Common interests
Possibility for a good life together
Character
Stable employment
Likes to travel
Flexible
Respect of friends
Respect of family
Understands financial responsibilities
Dreams
Proud to be seen with me
Confident but not cocky
Mutually willing to make sacrifices
Has and can keep secrets
Not selfish
Willingness to experiment with new thoughts and things
Good conversationalist
Has plans/dreams for the future
Positive outlook/attitude
Committed to me 100%
Understands that I would be committed to him 100%
Truthful
Not evasive
Reliable
Does not shirk responsibility
Is willing and knows how to compromise
Laughs/sense of humor/can laugh at self
Drinks coffee
Eats vegetables
Likes computers
Likes pottery
Generous
Believes in God
Not aggressive
Assertive
Not mean spirited
A good person
Loyal
Likes red
Not overly into sports
Patient
Kind
Interesting
Knows how to build things
Can handle my dream of a studio/warehouse/living quarters
Can handle a wacky living space
Gives gifts occasionally
Pays attention
Listens
Lawful
Likes music
Leaves the toilet seat down some of the time
Doesn’t squeeze toothpaste in middle
Frugal when needed
Not wasteful
Relatively neat
Can cook occasionally but willing to let me do the main cooking
Moderate drinker
Knows how to clean
Brave
Loves themselves
Can handle snoring
Likes to travel
Dedicated
Will work towards a solution
Respectful
Looks me in the eyes
Fierceness of life in the eyes
Touches
Passionate
Peaceful
Intelligent
Compassionate
Does not use the two words
Not a bigot
Truthful
Has class
Humble
Not jealous
Emotionally secure
Is not a litterbug
Likes pranks
Likes my friends
Likes children
Understanding
Wordsmith
Beautiful voice
Questions life
Has convictions
Slow to anger
Praiseful
Genuine Smile
Ability to Cry
Doesn’t kill living things
Enthusiastic
Likes me the way I am
Trustful
Stable
Attractive to me
Not a large tummy
Has a nice lickable butt
At least 6”
Knows how to eat pussy or willing to learn
Straight
I would be enough
Knows how to make love
Knows how to fuck
Twinkly eyes
Wrinkles around the eyes
At least some grey hair
Sexually skilled
Not a premature ejaculator
Sexually open
Faithful
Kissable lips
Likes to kiss
Knows how to hug
Will hold me
Comforting
Clean
Clean cut
Provocative
Touchable
Has nice butt
Has a mustache
Reciprocal
Does not belittle my intelligence
Does not call me names even if it's joking
Be nice to me
Shares in decision making but takes the lead
Can handle me sharing my fears
Can handle sharing his fears
Can give me honest sound advice when needed
Not afraid to tell me the truth
Can handle me telling him the truth
Does not hold my past against me
Can put away his past
Actually wants to see me more than just for a one night a week fuck
Likes adventure(s)
Owns his own teeth or store bought
Removes bugs and spiders for me
Empties the trash without being told
Polishes my shoes
Takes care of my vehicle
Has integrity
Shiteating grin when we share a secret
Slams into me with abandonment
I can feel the want and need and desire in his touch
Flirts with me
Seduces me
Is able to let me seduce him
Reaches for me
Holds my hand
Enjoys sunrises with me

to my future...

rlp

if you can love me at my worst...
then I'll love you at your best

Written to me...

9/15/01

Written for me....he knows who he is...

As I lay beside you
And sleep has closed your eyes
Our bodies still warm
From the Loving
I reach out and touch your face
Stroke your hair
And once more
Kiss you gently.
For in a World
That seems intent
On 'Making Love'
I find it necessary
To spend a few moments
'Knowing Love'

You look in the mirror
At lines that were not there yesterday
And find a couple more hairs turned grey
With a nervous glance at me
You wonder if
I notice 'Little Things'
Later, as I lay beside you
And sleep has closed your eyes
I think of the way you stroked my hair
And how, before you hung my jacket
You held it close to you.

I reach out and take your hand
And with all the Love the world has ever known
I bring it to my lips
For yes
I notice 'Little Things'

Dear Trudy

Last dream before I woke up, this is a poem I wrote in my dream:
RLP

Oh my dear Trudy,
Tried and true,
You're paw's got the shotgun,
And now I've got you.

girlfriends

03/08/03
rlp
written to Charlotte Hamel, Shirley Duncan, Dian Granberg, Jo Ann Bailey and the countless girlfriends of my life...past and future

girlfriends love you when you can't love yourself
girlfriends don't judge you
girlfriends encourage you
girlfriends laugh with you
girlfriends cry with you
girlfriends KNOW that ONE thing that you've been looking for for ages at a
garage sale and
buy it for you....knowing it's something that will bring a sparkle to her eyes
girlfriends tell you that you did a good job
girlfriends understand what you are feeling when they are angry over some
insignificant
thing their spouse/lover/boyfriend does something that ticks them off and
equally
understand how she can forgive and go back for that relationship even though she
has
been kicked in the teeth one too many times
girlfriends remember your favorite color
girlfriends remember your grandchildren's names
girlfriends remember the funny times
girlfriends remember when you lose it and when they willingly held you in your
arms to
comfort you in no way anyone but a true girlfriend can do
girlfriends know when you are in love or when you are in lust and know the
difference
girlfriends know your voice on the phone without her having to tell your name
girlfriends know you are crazy and mixed up and talks too much and still love
you
girlfriends make you all kinds of neat stuff such as quilts...sewing
things...Christmas
ceramics
girlfriends love to window shop with you and loan you your new book you just
bought so
that they can enjoy the inspiration also
girlfriends will love your other girlfriends just because they are your
girlfriend and see
their value that they are to you
girlfriends expose you to finer things in life such as a special
chocolate....finer
music...finer crafts...finer sewing
girlfriends are happy to see you each time
girlfriends can't talk too much together
girlfriends recognize when you are sick and can't take care of yourself and call
her doctor
for her while the other girlfriend holds her and feeds her and tells her that
she will be ok
girlfriends call out of the blue just because they are thinking about you
girlfriends call and check to see if she is ok and is truly happy for her when
she is ok...and
truly heartfelt when she is not
girlfriends give neutralizer perms on a Sunday
girlfriends have carwrecks with you
girlfriends hold you when you are so down you can't get up
girlfriends check on you week after week after week after week to make sure you
are ok
when something traumatic happens to you
girlfriends inspire you
girlfriends mentor you
girlfriends teach you how to be a girlfriend and a true friend

and last but not least
girlfriends are a mirror to your soul...

For Toro

I'd have loved you anyway
RLP


If I had known the way that this would end,
If I had read the last page first,
If I had had the strength to walk away,
If I had known how this would hurt,

I would've loved you anyway.
I'd do it all the same,
Not a second I would change,
Not a touch that I would trade.
Had I known my heart would break,
I would've loved you anyway.

It's bittersweet to look back now
At memories withered on the vine.
And just to hold you close to me
For a moment in time.

I would've loved you anyway.
I'd do it all the same,
Not a second I would change,
Not a touch that I would trade.
Had I known my heart would break,
I would've loved you anyway.

And even if I'd seen it coming,
You'd still have seen me running
Straight into your arms.

I would've loved you anyway.
I'd do it all the same,
Not a second I would change,
Not a touch that I would trade.
Had I known my heart would break,
I would've loved you anyway.
I would've loved you anyway.

My Jerry

07/06/03
RLP

What if I'd have fallen in love with you?
'What if's' all over the place
It's not what was meant to be
And
It's not what is.

What if I'd have fallen in love with you?
You say I worry too much
You say you'll kick my ass
You're full of hot air you know
A pussycat in bear's costume.

What if I'd have fallen in love with you?
I'd have missed one of the greatest friends in my life

A Place To Cry

Place To Cry
RLP

It's not that easy
to be who you want to be
to see who you want to be
But I know of a place
where you can get lost in time and space
where reality slips by
where no one can see you cry

I guess you can say I'm a little emotionally worn
been trying to get my act together since I was born
grew up rough around the edges
learned to hold it all in

Saw myself get slapped around
knew to be quiet, and not make a sound
feeling those butterflies tickle me inside
always searching for a place to hide
wishing someone would save me
but no one came
wondering why my life was this way

Everyone liked me in school
laughed all the time, acted cool
not one of them knew about the miles of pain
waiting at home for me to entertain
I carry those memories with me
even now
hidden deep inside
trying to get out

and sometimes they do

But I know of a place
where you can get lost in time and space
where reality slips by
where no one will ever hear you cry......

Hey Diddle

Hey Diddle Diddle
RLP

Hey Diddle Diddle
the Prick and the Fiddle
the Pussy jumped over the moon
Was such a sight to see
Little Jack Horner in his corner twiddling away
needing to see
the pervert was a voyeur

friends

11/24/02
friends
rlp

there are many people who we call as friends
some are more special tho
some friends bring out the best in us
some give us freedom to be ourselves and discover we can be friends back
some we just know we can count on them when we needed support and know they will
be
there in the future...

Angels

9/29/02



Angels
RLP

Breathe deep
Be still
You can hear the Angels sing
Creativity is Spirit
Leaping into Love
Dancing into Truth
Descending into Beauty
By Whatever means Disposable
Go into the world with the wind of love in your hair and peace on your lips and tell many people what you know in your heart.
And when they ask you how you know such freedom tell them it came to you from the Depth of your Soul
From your Heart
And your Angel

has anyone

09/23/02



has anyone
rlp

has anyone
known what
it is like to
not know where
to turn
has anyone
had to be
so alone
when their
world crashes
down on them
has anyone
known what
it is to be
alone
has anyone
been there
has anyone
had life
push them
to the edge
has anyone
had nothing
in the world
matter
has anyone
been at the
end of their
rope
has anyone
been so low
well let me
tell you
i know

Standing in the fire...

This was also written to me about me by my friend P.B.
A bigburlyteddybearofaman.... roughtoughaman'sman....
aheartasbigasTexasandatouchassweetastherain.... Such a dear friend!

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit in pain, mine or your pain, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else fall way. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

It doesnt interest me how many friends and lovers you have had. What I want to know is that in some small way I have made a difference in your life, a positive difference. Knowing this, I will know that I have fullfilled a small part of the reason that I came to be here.....to make someone happy, if even for just a moment.

Love ya always...........P.B.

Lost in KMart

When a person has a spouse die, some of them play their sympathy card to the maximum. They want every ounce of pity they can get. Sure, I'm not discounting that they hurt or are lonely and that their lives have changed forever....but give me a break sometimes with some of these people! Women are worse than men. These women start out a conversation with 'I LOST my husband'...or slide into the conversation several times 'since I LOST my husband'....placing just the right amount of slow sympathy knee jerking flavor on the word 'LOST'. What happened to the word 'DIE'???? That sucker is DEAD....he's not lost! Everytime I hear this drivel....I imagine all these lost souls hanging out at KMart...The Walking KMart dead.... Dang good thing KMart shut down the store here...it was getting crowded!!!

Sometimes...

I really don't want my blog to be negative and throwing all my hurts 'out there'... I'm not a motivational speaker so therefore it's not going to be a total discourse on the power of positive thinking.....But....sometimes I just hurt. Sometimes I'm just empty. Facing the fact that I am so utterly alone is overwhelming. Still, this aloneness is not nearly as lonely as being lonely in a marriage. There's no one who is going to hold my hand...hold me all night....wake with me and drink coffee. Sure, as most all single women, I can have my pick of scores of men who want me for sex....but they aren't going to stick around when they get the itch for a new woman. When one is single, you don't get invited over for supper by your friends....you don't get invited to the show...or shopping....or just plain hanging out. You become a leper to married couples.....single female friends are busy hustling some man to support them....and single male friends who you aren't putting out to either want help with something or they want to bare their souls with you, walk away happy only to become the man they once were and give all the good parts of him to another woman....the concept of him merely holding me while I bare my soul is not going to happen... Jaded? Yes. But more is that I'm so weary of showing myself to others....feeling for others and getting nothing in return. Sometimes it's worse that a tree falling in a forest....I fall in the forest and no one hears me.

Quoted from High Lonesome by Louis L'Amour

p. 49 - The idea that a decent woman could actually like being in a man's arms went against all his upbringing. His wife had…but his wife occupied a place in his consciousness that set her apart from all other women, and he could not even consider her as a sample of womanhood. She was different. She was very special.

*****Is this why so many men want to marry a 'good girl' and then promptly cheat on her with a whore? A decent woman can't love sex? A decent woman can't love sex with her partner?*****

p. 54 - His father had said something to him once that he had never forgotten. "Folks talk a lot about the maternal feeling in women, but they say nothing about man's need to protect and care for someone; yet the one feeling is as basic as the other." …..Maybe it was because he wanted to give her the things a woman needs…and no woman was much account without a home or a man, or both. Anything else was unimportant. All the rest was play-acting.

*****We as women do forget a man's need to be a provider. In today's world, it's ever increasingly difficult for there to be a one income family. So many women aren't satisfied to stay within a budget. So many couples get so caught up in wanting it 'all' and wanting it instantly that it does take two incomes to purchase it 'all'. What's wrong with just looking at each other and realizing that the other person is 'all' that's really and truly needed?*****

p. 100 - Nor does any person stand completely alone in this world, for when he passes he brushes, perhaps ever so slightly, upon others, and each is never quite the same thereafter.

*****Amen*****

p. 111 - Why did the young think that dreams were only for them? The old dream also, with less hope, less anticipation, yet they dream.

*****Amen#2*****

Titles of blogs...

Titles of blogs I will write...even when I merely read the titles, the blog is inside my head. Now to get them into form....

Dreaming With Our Eyes Open

Behind My Closed Mind

Slow To Wake Up

Possible Dreams

Inventive Mind At Work

My Fall To The Other Side of Life

My safety net

I'm enjoying this blog. I've wanted a place to put my thoughts and words I've collected over the years but kept thinking I had to have everything edited and in total order....not true. I've also not wanted anyone to know the inside of me...the real inside. Putting yourself out there isn't so much a fear to me that someone will judge me...but more my reading my words and judging myself. Now, it's gotten so large that I'm feeling secure in that there is no human being who has enough fortitude and padding on their buttocks to sit and read it all....feels anonymous now...safe...this is so enjoyable!!!

Just be...

Be quiet. And just be. Be yourself. Be alive. Within your heart the wind is blowing through the trees. And this is all you really want.
Taken with permission from "An open letter on Paganism" By Wicasta Lovelace
The Pagan Tea House

**How I struggle with this...mostly the quiet and the just be part. Patience is not my strong point...

My garden

Oh....and what a garden of loved ones and friends I have!!! I am truly blessed...


If I had a single flower, for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.

It doesn't matter where you go in life...It's who you have beside you.

Walls for the wind and a roof for the rain and drinks by the fire. Laughter to cheer you and those you love near you, and all that your heart may desire!
--
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.

One day at a time...

Below is profound to me. I can only add.....cherish every day with him or her and trust that you are where you are meant to be that day at a time.


If you want some insurance that your new relationship has every chance of making it, be...

* Honest
* Communicative
* Clear about your needs and boundaries
* A good listener

On the other hand, your relationship may end no matter what you do. But being in fear it will end actually makes the end more likely. To eradicate this fear, let go of the attachment that the person you are with be THE right person. Simply be with him or her one day at a time.

Quotes on love

Below are a few quotes I've collected about love. There was a movement after the birth control pill came to be where women 'became liberated' and burned their bras. As we age, we have a movement inside ourselves where we burn our masks...burn our pasts...timidly at first...bravely soon thereafter and finally the peace comes. About the time we get comfortable living inside our own skin...along comes some hairy legged man who steals our heart and makes us start all over again! Life ain't always fair...

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and now we cannot live within."
-James Baldwin

"It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations."
-Kahlil Gibran

"The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved."
-Victor Hugo

"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be."
-Anna Louise Strong

Profound conversation

Below is part of a conversation I had one night in April 2003 with a friend about being the 'real' person we can be and not pretend to be what everyone else wants us to be. His first two sentences pretty well puts it all into perspective to me...


Fuck what everybody else thinks. They don't have to suffer in my flesh. They don't have to bear the burden of my mind. They don't have to climb into my coffin...

I'll tell ya what I learned: the first part of life is just preparation for the second part, which is much richer. Finally, my damn drives, my urges, my irrationalities, have died own, and I can live...can choose and not just let my body choose and pretend it was me...

Words

'Words that soak into your ears are whispered....not yelled.'

Quotes that inspire me....

"An opportunity lost...is lost forever."

"I will find a way, or make one"

"You can believe anything you want. The universe is not obliged to keep a straight face." -- Solomon Short

Life is a work of art, created by the one who lives it.

May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

When one gets banged up a lot, one forgets what love is love is not being needy and being needy clouds what a person needs...but love is an unknown for the most part...a feeling, rather than something you can acutally touch...like a puff of smoke in a hurricane... it is a whisper...if spoken to loudly, it disappears

Leap

When I took the leap, I had faith I would find a net. Instead I learned I could fly. - John Calvi.

I might be flying alone....but I'm flying nonetheless!!!

Special

A very dear and wonderful friend of mine has been reading my blog. She said to me that she wished she could write as well as me. I told her that everyone has different styles and everyone has something to say. I told her to practice....just write her thoughts to herself and let the words come. No, she isn't educated...although she has successfully raised 5 children to adulthood...maintains a beautiful home, takes care of her grandbabies, works part time...and is always 'there' for me...so what more can a friend ask for?? She is eternally and habitually a sweet caring person who doesn't want to hurt another person's feelings....even when her feelings have been hurt...This is what she wrote that she wants to tell people...

"Don't talk down to me just because I'm not as educated as you are... and don't presume that I cant think things thru,,, I have a brain and I have feelings... Treat me as you would want to be treated... Be honest with me even if it's going to hurt me,, I always find out the truth anyway, so PLEASE be honest from the start... I am Special,,, J."

***YES, she is special

Touch

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was felt that she had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Ireland.

The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent, poem. And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the Internet.

What do you see?

What are you thinking, when you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman, not very wise, uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply, when you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"

Who seems not to notice the things that you do, and forever is losing a stocking or shoe.....

Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will, with bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....

Is that what you're thinking?

Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still, as I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten ... with a father and mother, brothers and sisters, who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet, dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty -- my heart gives a leap, remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now, I have young of my own, who need me to guide and a secure happy home.

A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast, bound to each other with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone, but my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more, babies play round my knee, again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead; I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing young of their own, and I think of the years and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman ... and nature is cruel; 'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles, grace and vigour depart, there is now a stone where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells, and now and again my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain, and I'm loving and living life over again.

I think of the years .... all too few, gone too fast, and accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people, open and see, not a crabby old woman; look closer ... see ME!!

....Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within...

Your World

That which you believe becomes your world.

Two little old ladies

Make it two in a row....this one is just too funny!!!


Two elderly ladies, Jen and Ruth, were sitting on the porch,
remembering their younger days. Jen said, "Ruth, at this stage
of life do you ever get horny ?"

Ruth says, "Oh, sure I do."

Jen says, "What do you do about it?

Ruth says, "I just suck on a Lifesaver."

After a few moments, Jen asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Nothing but dust....

Sometimes you come across a joke that transcends all jokes...this is one:

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?!

Who I am

This was written about me from my friend, P.B. He was trying to cheer me up and help me to see that I am a worthy person...

Who I Am

I am not my hair, my eyes, my nose or my mouth. I am not my skin or the shape of any of my body parts. I am not the IQ of my brain.

I am not the sound of my voice or the volume of my laughter. I am not my strengths or any of my weaknesses. I am not the level of my skills. The temple of my physical makeup is a culmination of
genetics. It reveals nothing about the person who resides within. I
take no credit or point no blame for the way I look. My temple is
perfect, as is. This body is not who I am. It is an exquisitely
perfect dwelling for my soul. Everything about it is exactly as it should be. No other, anywhere, ever, could serve my soul as well. I am not anything you can see with your eyes or touch with your hands. Should you judge me by that criteria, you will never know me. I am not a dumping ground for bias that's based on a man-made standard, and I do not accept the prejudice it creates. I am a union of body, mind and spirit, a trio, not a solo. To know me, is to know yourself.

Those who hear the voice of their soul, recognize the song in mine. They do not stop at the front door and judge me by the dwelling in which I reside.With a humble sense of honor, they knock upon the door and ask to come in. The judgment of others does not change who I am. Quite the opposite is true. It reveals who they are.

Those who deem me unworthy at a glance and pass me on by, have my blessing to keep walking, for they have a long way to go. They have not reached the point in their journey where they are able to see and appreciate me for who I am.

I will accept no less.

Some more words from a friend....

I've saved words written to me or about me to keep in a folder for when I am not feeling so hot about myself. I think everyone should have a 'feel good folder' that they can look at from time to time. That I make an impact on other's lives amazes me.

I was in chat under a different name and saw some people talking about me so I sat and watched. NEVER did I expect the following compliment!! I NEEDED to hear I make a difference in this life!! God sure gave me a gift today!!! Amazing!!

"Risky is beauty and can laugh at herself and bring that gift to others, a true goddess, but she gets away with it because of her beauty, and she plants her soul in our hearts"

**note from me: I too have fingerprints inside my heart from others....they are mine...always will be there and everytime I look at them in my mind...no one can ever take them from me...I smile and know I have loved!**

Words from a total stranger

I received these words from a total stranger today. Got me to thinking about my family and friends, both present and past.... I think every one of them who have been this friend to me at one time or the other...Some many, many times... Each knows who they are.... I'm so very blessed.

"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort, of feeling safe with a person having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out just as they are, chaff and grain together knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away"

Me

My thoughts about me and who I am...

born a Texan...raised a Texan
I don't like liars or judgemental people
pet peeve is people who pick their noses at stop lights
don't like bullies or abusive people
or people who don't try....
love chicken, cheese, spinach, avocadoes....mangoes...
don't like fresh tomatoes, turnips, liver or beans
my passions are clay,basketweaving/beading and people
I'm a very good potter but do it for me now instead of selling
I've been married three times
one daughter
two awesome natural grand daughters
have been abused pretty severely and still coming to terms with it
my reaction to this is blocking it out or being overly kind
have been used pretty badly and am learning not to be and why I made poor judgements
I will NOT be controlled
talk too much
listen too little
do not like injustice
not into pain
not into any hitting of any sort
not into humiliation
am blessed with many many wonderful friends
I can do just about any craft that there is
I've been in some sort of computer job since 1969
Own a Mac and love it
am retired
fart like a racehorse
snore like a sailor
kinky as shit at times….don’t let this part out often
am a great cook
optimist unfortunately
I get my feelings hurt easily
would rather cut out my tongue than hurt another
gets me into trouble
am an instigator of pranks
laugh a LOT
I cry a lot but am working on it
deeply religious
spiritual
lousy dresser
very poor taste in clothing
HATE shopping
hate to pick up bugs
LOVE music of many sorts
can't sing worth a hoot
enjoy people smarter than I
never wanted to be more than a mother and artist
am a genealogist
very good researcher
love to sit and visit with friends or think
am not a small woman but rathera large woman
as all women.....don't like my body
I used to struggle to make ends meet but have enough at this time to pay my own way
I do not like to let anyone pay my way
have never leaned on anyone....
am usually the one who is leaned upon
stubborn
obstinate
opinionated
uncontrollable
can be a bitch when needed
love cats and now dogs
love photography
love textures
love colors
love sex with the right person
nothing more awesome to me than to bury my face in my lover's neck
rub your face in it
can figure most anything out
have a very sharp tongue when riled
takes a LOT to rile me
love to read...am just now getting back to reading after 10 years
fav author is Lawrence Sanders
love history and biographies
any craft book or magazine
certain mysteries
I'm cunning and sly
I usually win....by hook or crook in most situations
I don't cheat at anything or on anyone
my daughter and I are together a genius
we took the Mensa test together
we passed
couldn't do it alone
love puzzles
I learned a long time ago that everyone is creative and intelligent in some things...some things not so hot.....doesn't really matter as long as they are nice people… every one is valuable in something....just have to find it sometimes
everyone was a newborn at one time and needed to be held....and everyone will be an old person needing to be held
sometimes I will refuse a challenge on principal
I was 52 before I was touched
before I let anyone touch me
I was what I figure about 18 months or less when I had a nightmare....
crawled up in my mother's lap to be comforted
as usual, she did not
I got down and said to myself that I would never let anyone touch me again
never wanted to go through that hurt
my brother and I don’t have one memory of being touched by our mother
when people would touch me, my skin would crawl
I would get sick inside
the only person I would let touch me was my younger brother and my daughter
then I one time I was touched for 4 days
it changed my life
I crave it
so...I picked husbands and friends who didn't touch
my loss
I was either beaten, sexually abused or verbally abused till I was 16.....you sort of put up a wall around you after that
earliest remembrances was about under 2
absolutely profound
it won't ever happen to me again in real life
not negotiable
the man who touched me broke my heart....I had a nervous breakdown over it
had some devastating affairs after that
but the last man finished breaking me
it won't happen again
I will not get into a situation where it is possible
I became empty and numb.....in the relationship department
I have my clay and my grandbabies and my hobbies...this will have to be enough
I've never been enough for anyone
never smart enough
never sexy enough
never loving enough
never cleaning enough
never cooking enough
nothing
I will be enough for ME
52 years of that shit is enough for one woman's lifetime
I will please myself
and my grandbabies
they are innocent
pretty bitter huh?
doesn't compute how I can feel towards people and yet shut them out
I have the capacity to be a friend....a really good friend but sometimes I can't give back
be there for them
help them
just can't give the last part of my heart
not enough prozac I think in this world to fix me
and yet I love and laugh and embrace life
sometimes I like putting on my blonde wig and just be silly
it's a conundrum

Story almost written...

This is a story idea I've often thougth about writing. I wrote the note to myself to remind me. Guess it's one of those 'you had to be there' thoughts...I've written this story in my mind so many times in so many ways. Each time each story makes me laugh inside uncontrollably. Even now...I'll go to bed laughing....

Write about calling up the lover and asking if he still is interested as husband is lying in the floor dying and if lover says yes, then let the husband die...if lover says no, then revive the sucker.

Angel....Sung by Sarah McLachlan

This song means a lot to me. It was given to me when I was so very very down. I cried. I cried every time I listened to it. I can hear it in my mind without playing the song still. Somehow I found the angel inside me and found comfort in this song.

ANGEL
Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waitin'
For that second chance
For a break that would make it ok
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful it really is
Memories seep from my veins
That may be empty
Oh well weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the Angel
Far away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlesssness that you fear
You are are brought from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight life
That everywhere you turn
Theres vultures and thieves at your back
Storm keeps on twistin'
Keep on building lies
That you make up for all you lack
It don't make no difference
Escape one last time
Its easier to believe
Than this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angels
Far away from here
From this dark old hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are brought from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You are in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

Soul Mates and Today and Friends

Below is from a friend who considers me his friend and soulmate. I don't know if he wrote it or copied it from somewhere. That he shared it with me was enough...

SOUL MATES... Two people with common interests, and characteristics, values, and views. They need not be lovers, but they need to be friends. Friends who share most anything, without having to worry, about what kind of reaction may be brought forth. Knowing that compassion and understanding will always be there. Knowing that caring advice comes from the heart, but is not ruled by it. One who can tease tears, and anger, frustration, and even a muddled mind Into a smile or a laugh. A person you wish to have as a part of your life,
For always. You come close to asking "What could become of all of this, if circumstances ever came to allow it." For some reason, you always decide to stop. Thanks for being in my life, who is all of this to me.

Today... Never fear what might or may happen Or dwell on what has gone by. Live each moment in the present Or you'll forever be asking why. Yesterday has come and has left us Tomorrow may not ever be. Live life for each second you have it And remember you'll always have me. Forget the past with its heartaches And the dreams of what may be ahead. Those things are controlled by the Almighty. I will not lead you down this road of life Nor will I follow behind in your step. But take my hand and travel beside me To where the secretes of love are kept. I wont promise the road will be easy. Danger could be anywhere. Together we can face any obstacle Because together we need never fear.

Forever Friends... Friends we are, forever friends we'll be, Wherever we are, you're right beside me. I hope we stay friends 'til the end of time, And whenever that is, our friendship will still shine. You mean the world to me, I hope the same with you, You're always helping me, whatever it takes you'll do. Now that we're growing older, changing our ways, I know we won't lose our friendship. I hope I never see that day. Friends we are, forever friends we'll be.

Words across the miles

11/2001
rlp

He comes to her innocently just to talk to her. The words are what she needs to hear at the time, to fill the void of her shutting herself off from all emotion. The words start flowing back and forth across the miles. First it is laughter and compliments. A few questions on both sides to get the feel of the person on the other end. A few phrases of ideology and philosophy. Coming through is both a touch, a nuzzle as soft as the night and as strong as a firm grasp. There is a retreat, not wanting to retreat but feelings of not having the right to share these feelings. Still, there is the need to snuggle and cuddle in words that are sweet and familiar between the two of them, they develop their own language.

Where his heart lives is where her roots sprang from. There are more common meeting grounds than expected. Was this just a longing for what was for her or what she was needing in the now? Still they corresponded. She started feeling more alive. He, feeling his oats, started to seem too good to be true. His days were her nights. Her nights were filling his days.Now, they were alive again....back to the person each once was.

It's where the passion is. The words. The words evoking feelings to be warmed slowly and then simmered even more slowly and held in the mind. The words to be mulled over are later tucked into a memory.

There are a few days of the newness, the excitement of someone on the other end waiting, waiting to hear more words. Knowing each are on the other end of their private world they share in the bubble of wanting and needing to see the words meant only for each other. Both enjoying the fantasy for what it is...the words evoke it...the vision soothes it....the feeling is warm and sudsy and slatheringly delicious. It all feels comfortably real and having the intense irrational reality of a dream. An interval of rest and relief from reality they weave their bubble snuggle world.

Part of the fantasy is the realization that there will never be more than the world of words evoking the feelings. They live this fantasy knowing each other has their own world of reality they must emerge each day and become the person that they have been before the first words between them. There is a world that she is committed to and the world he is seeking to reenter. Each window of communication is a separate existence they delve into and emerge refreshed, able to go back into their daily lives. Neither find the reason to end their communication.

The delightful combinations of his ideas and thoughts are intensely absorbed by her...the painting of the words upon her mind are welcomed. Waves of the words, laughingly insinuated, sometimes semiserious, flirting shamelessly....boldly and sometimes not so boldly give a feeling to titillate her mind. He draws the words on the canvas for her, artistically arranged for their maximum effect, the style has not gone unnoticed. His special words he uses....he knows are a stimulant...are savored for her intransitive senses.

Spurred on by the safeness she feels in his acceptance of her thoughts, she easily writes the words. Her words...where they come from is mystery. The effect of her words is briefly understood by her but mostly each interchange is a venture into the unknown.

Spiders!

Well! Dang my hide! They really DO come up the sewer system! I was getting ready for work this morning and a little spider hopped out of the drain in my bathroom sink!!!! I had always heard it happened....but never saw it!!

"Involuntary Muscular Contractions"

I just couldn't resist this one.....way too funny!!!


A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably down at the bar with his friends"

Amazing Thought!

Part of how I am building my life is that I collect friends and lovers who, together, we share our hopes and dreams...our sorrows...our fears....our joys and our laughter...our families...our pasts.... A friend showed me how to simply look for the good parts of my self in others....so simple! A mirror to myself? I don't know.....all I know is how wonderful I feel when I am with each...and how I hope I can help each feel that same wonderment. Sure makes me do a lot of doublestepping to keep up. That these friends and lovers are so very awesome makes me think twice...sometimes thrice...sometimes even more.. Could it possibly be that I am awesome also? Amazing thought!

As John Lennon wrote in his song 'Starting Over':
Our life, together is so precious, together
We have grown... We have grown

Rollercoaster

I'm riding a dangerous rollercoaster again...dangerous for me..I know it...I seem to be riding it in a loop tho....I refuse to have my wings plucked again and again....maybe that's why I fight things so much...

I wrote the above to a very dear friend of mine and the below is what he wrote back to me....

Don't ever stop building your life..........you can opt for the generic "life kit" where one size is supposed to fit all, but doesn't, or you can custom build it, one piece at a time, with those things, people etc of your choosing..........keeping what works and discarding what doesn't.......there is no time limit on this project, and is only held in check by your imagination and desires..............of course the total custom "life " takes a bit more work and attention to detail, but is far superior to anything else out there..........I know yu would not be happy with the generic kit............so no matter what happens, you must continue to custom build your life........in your fashion, to suit your needs and wants, not those of others.

Feelings......hmmmm.......I have a few........every now and then I feel like talking about them.........like now.....I feel like a caged bird.......watching what you have and being jealous of it......not being able to get out of my cage to enjoy what you enjoy........but I have been working on one spot in the bars for a long time now, and have managed to get my head between them.....soon the shoulders will out , then the rest of the body will follow........but my mind had to come first......and you have showed me that it is truly possible to achieve this.........to step out of the cage, to live, to build my own custom life..........and to have the courage to overcome the fear of even trying it........I am no longer afraid.......and will start looking for the building blocks of this life....

It wont be easy........since you just cant waltz into hardware store and grab what you need off the shelf.........and the hardest part is the waiting.........want it all right now, but that cannot be.........so Patience, understanding, lots of searching and testing will be in order.........

Of course, the heart , spirit, mind, soul all have to be together in this endeavor, or it will not work...........like a chain with a weak link, so I have chosen to use only the finest most expensive material in building my Life........starting with friends............seems tome that is the most logical place to start.......without them, their understanding and support, I would be doomed to failure..........so I will start with the most precious and most valuable commodity know.....true friends

You Ruth are on that list of friends, as I know I will never be judged, ridiculed or demeaned by you...........oh yes, you will laugh with me at silly things I do or say, but you will not be laughing "at me"........therein lies the big difference.........a friend who loves someone in spite of their faults and can laugh about them without giving offense or ridicule


Well, I guess i have rambled on long enough for now.........hope some of this makes a tiny bit of sense........I guess I could have just said, thanks for being my friend and I will always be yours.........but it just didn't seem enough...........I am here for you babe........to unload on, laff with, cry with, or just to listen to what you have to say.........and my friendship, affection, and admiration for you as a free spirit will always be here as well and I hope you feel that you can call on me for moral support whenever you are in one of those moods and just want to vent ...........because I will be here........anytime.......day, night, sleet, snow..........anytime........friendships, true ones, have no boundaries, no limits.........and I feel ours is endless, like the heavens.........

Temporary Lover

To feel or not to feel??

How do you make love to a temporary lover? Do you only feel temporarily? Do you only kiss halfway? Do you touch/hold your lover for a night time or do you touch as if it is forever? Do you melt halfway? Wishes and wished for for only one night? Do you show only part of your passion? Do you feel only part of your partner's passion?

Settling

Settling

I think this is the most difficult thing for me as a woman can do for myself other than keeping quiet when I should...

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."

My Purpose As I See It

I need no other human being in this life to validate my worth, because my worth is my own center. All other human beings I invite into my world are in addition to it, a bonus, complimenting my already rich, full life. They are not essential to my existance. I can compliment their existance without demanding to be essential to their life as well.

I know and am that self-passion, that absolute certainty that I am all I need and the rest must earn their way into my heart with the respect, trust, honesty, loyalty and unconditional love that every person deserves.

We find each other, not to complete each other, because we were each complete when we met, but to inspire each other to be even finer and more joyful than we would have been alone.

My passions are for me. What I choose my purpose to be is to inspire others, to see their mirror…their truths, their joys and their forgiveness of themselves; to erase my past and gather my words to leave behind for my generations

----- Pancho Villa, 1877-1923, his last words
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something . . ."

Finding Joy

Thoughts 10/10/2005

Finding Joy

What’s tough is being willing to put out the effort to find joy, staying out of our own way while we search for it and then savoring it when we’ve got it instead of bracing ourselves for that moment when we think it will disappear again. I am my own biggest obstacle standing between me and joy. First, no matter what the situation, we owe it to ourselves to do everything we know to do toward the solution we’re after. Then, once we’re satisfied that there is no more we can do, we need to stand back, stay out of the way and let things finish unfolding.

Crawl Into Me

Crawl Into Me
10/10/05

Crawl into me
Build a nest inside me
All warm and fuzzy
Comforting and exciting.
Bring our bodies together so intimately that only we two know how it feels.
Our secret.
Let your heart seep into my pores
Your smell become my smell
Your taste become my taste
Your mirror my mirror
Your peace my peace
Your self my self
Your lifetime my lifetime
Your dreams my dreams