The Bridge Builder

The Bridge Builder
An old man, going a lone highway,
Came, at the evening, cold and gray,
To a chasm, vast, and deep, and wide,
Through which was flowing a sullen tide.
The old man crossed in the twilight dim;
The sullen stream had no fears for him;
But he turned, when safe on the other side,
And built a bridge to span the tide.
"Old man," said a fellow pilgrim, near,
"You are wasting strength with building here;
Your journey will end with the ending day;
You never again must pass this way;
You have crossed the chasm, deep and wide-
Why build you a bridge at the eventide?"
The builder lifted his old gray head:
"Good friend, in the path I have come," he said,
"There followeth after me today,
A youth, whose feet must pass this way.
This chasm, that has been naught to me,
To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be.
He, too, must cross in the twilight dim;
Good friend, I am building the bridge for him."

Will Allen Dromgoole

Yes, this is what we do....build bridges for our next generations...

God Stuff

I'm helping a friend sell/get rid of/pack her life belongings to up and move out of the blue to Alaska. I don't have to do it...as in no obligation...but I have to do it because I have to do it...as in feeling there's no reason not to help a friend in need. But what has blown me away is all I am receiving in return. I'm seeing a woman who trusts in God, who has learned to enjoy living alone, who is an awesome artist going after her dreams, who is in so many little ways showing me faith and hope and peace. It's awesome. What is even more awesome is experiencing leaning on someone for help for the first time in my life....I asked another friend to help us and without batting an eye has rolled up his sleeves and helped where he can...just because I merely asked him to help....he has no obligation to help but he is also helping for no other reason other than being a friend to my friend.

People are awesome!

Correct Ones...

What makes people think they are always correct? That they know the 'right' way to do something? That the way they think is the most logical way of thinking? From world leaders down to the most peon of peon think their way is the 'right' way.

Sometimes I'm in my car at a stoplight and think the world revolves around me and I imagine circle around me with me at the center. Then I get to thinking of the person ahead of me and imagine that person's circle and see the circle overlapping. Then I look at the people in the other cars ahead, behind, to the side...all of us...and all the circles and the overlapping. Then I think about the circles of all the people I know and love and have the image in my head about their circles that are everpresent around me...invisible at the time but still always there. We're not like a truckload of pipe neatly stacked...touching but not overlapping...all neatly separate. It's the overlapping that makes our lives richer and fuller. I sew a quilt in my mind showing the patterns of the overlapping...beautiful!

Dragons

Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave.
-Rainer Maria Rilke

It never occurred to me that someone may be waiting to meet me....I always thought it was us women who were waiting for 'Mr. Right'. What a nice novel thought!

Laugh/Cry

Quoted from my friend CF's blog....an EXCELLENT blog by the way....http://myredhead.blogspot.com:

I always knew I'd laugh, looking back on those times I cried. But I never thought I'd cry, looking back on times I laughed!

My comment: Amen!!

Scream

Sometimes songs hit a person right between the eyes and they just 'fit'. Here is part of one such song that sums me up sometimes. It was written and is sung by a Texas songwriter and singer who is an awesome writer with a voice as soothing as any I've ever heard:

Scream
by Brian Burns

Scream, yeah
loud as you can
makes you feel
alive as you can
all the things you keep inside
come on out
scream I'm alive
Scream, yeah
Loud as you can

Giving up

There are so many self-help books about starting over at about age 40. For me, I was 52.

In my youth, I couldn't wait until I was 30. I babysat for a woman who was 30 who had what I thought was having a perfect life. She had a loving husband, two beautiful children, a beautiful house, rewarding teaching career, and two matching lamps. Then when I hit 30, suddenly I had a voice. It was fun! I could get away with speaking my mind to anyone....I had power. Yes, I had two matching lamps...I had arrived! Also at this time, I had two best friends who had turned 40 and they said 'if you think 30 is something, wait until you turn 40. When I turned 40, they were now 50 and told me that 50 was so much better than 40. Now they have turned 60 and are enjoying life like they never have before. I'm enjoying my age in so many ways that it must be illegal if I got found out.

At 50 I started rejecting all my previous values of life. Suddenly I needed to 'find myself'. I had always thought it was a load of crap when a movie would be about a woman or a man going off to 'find themselves'. Well, now I was in this mode. It is more finding a person's self power and learning to love themselves. It's a difficult and gutwrenching journey. I was still thinking like I was 18 inside my head....my body was 50...and my emotional age was that of about 5 years old. The changes that happen to a woman's body at 50 are unbelievable. Every woman I've ever known at about this age either reject their sexuality and stop their sexlives cold turkey or they go on to discover their passion. I chose the latter and have not only not looked back, but I have happily come a long way.

I finally like myself now and yes, even have periods where I love myself. I'm learning to make choices that are good for me. I reject anyone who is negative and pulling me down with their selfdeprecating guilt trips they try to impose on me. I seek out friends who have a positive outlook on life and actively seek joy in their lives. I don't have time to wallow in their pity with them. I don't have time to wallow in my pity....and yes....selfpity still rears it's ugly head at me from time to time.

I now realize that I have choices that I can make for me. I can go after my dreams even if it means only a handful of years I have left to enjoy them. I have found that I have something to give younger people if they are willing to take it. I have found that I am a bit 'weird' and people see me as possibly essentric but I enjoy this weirdness...truly enjoy what's going on inside my head. I've had a life 'epiphany' of sorts and welcome all those who want to experience a full life and a learning life with me. I still have a lot to give a partner but this time I want something in return. I would choose me for a friend/lover/mentor. I'm looking forward to having my own home just the way I want it. If someone wants to come along with me, wonderful! If not, sadly, their loss. No one is going to keep me down.

Oh, and I got rid of my matching lamps...

Recreational Drugs

There are some pretty smart people in advertising. They know how to get their subliminal message across. As with all medications advertised, required are the side effects that must be told about. On most parts, the side effects they inform us about are worse than the disease they are trying to cure.

Then along comes Viagra. They started off advertising this drug as basically to 'cure' an unfortunate disease that affects a lot of men around the age of 50. Then is starts advertising it subliminally as a recreational drug, showing a loving couple with a twinkle in both their eyes. Then they started showing a woman giving the man a 'come along' look and a grin. What? A woman actually showing desire on television? Heaven forbid! Now comes the disclaimer: 'If you should have an erection that lasts four hours or more, you need to see a doctor.' Yeah right! What sane woman would pass up a four hour erection? Do they actually think we would let a man near a phone or a hospital emergency room who had a four hour erection? He'd need to be treated for two broken legs. Subliminally, the message of this 'four hour erection' ploy is that the woman is hoping for a crack at that four hour window of pleasure. A drug to cure a disease? Get real! This is definitely a recreational drug plain and simple. About damned time!

Mae West Quotes

Mae West: 17 Aug 1893 to 22 Nov 1980

A hard man is good to find.

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.

A man's kiss is his signature.

An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

He who hesitates is a damned fool.

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far.

I never loved another person the way I loved myself.

I only have 'yes' men around me. Who needs 'no' men?

I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.

It's not what I do, but the way I do it. It's not what I say, but the way I say it.

Keep a diary, and someday it'll keep you.

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.

Sex is emotion in motion.

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.

Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.

To err is human, but it feels divine.

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
Mae West

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Viable

Not too long ago, I was told a realtionship with me long term was not viable...that I was not vaible...that I had no planable worth...no future value. Oh, I was certainly viable right now and the immediate future. I can certainly now provide cooking, cleaning, sexual favors, nursing care among others. Seems like a good reason to use me? Is it using or is it a relationship of give and take? I guess it's all from the prospect of who is doing the giving and who is doing the receiving.

It got me to thinking....what IS viable? When do we become viable? Are we Viable-In-Waiting when we're younger? Viable-In-Waiting when we are still virgins? How long are we viable? When do we become Viable-Has-Beens? If one person declares us Viable-Has-Beens, are we totally not viable for the rest of our lives?

Gee...I FEEL viable! I still think I have worth in all areas and aspects of my life. I'm not ready to give up just yet!

Being

This is from a friend of mine. I especially find the last stanza as being profound. How much baggage are we going to continue to carry? When can we see the past as the past and be at peace with the present?

Being

I surround myself with words
That have no meaning
I use them like blades
To cut myself into submission
But the bleeding does no good
And the healing never comes.

I hide inside the cave of me
Gazing out at passersby.
Views fly by like fast-forward dreams.
I desperately seek sign posts
Somewhere in the swirling mist
But the speed blurs their messages
And I realize I am looking outside
Instead of in.

I look at my reflection
And the pretense falls away
Survival layers melt
Into pools of insignificance.
Being is all there is
And there are many ways to be.
Awareness clears the mists
And reveals the shining message
That the essence of us all
Is only here and now.

The past is just the past
Not a blueprint for the future.
Memories have no meaning in present tense.
And power is creation.
I am here to be me;
Whatever me I choose to be.
Now I’ve only to discover
How to live without comfortable definition.

Billy T. Brookshire (3-27-05)

Kahlil Gibran - Poet: 1883-1931

Excerpt on his views of marriage...I couldn't have said it better...

But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Spoiler

I've either taken care of someone or several someones most of my whole life. It started when I was about 3 years old and continued until I got a divorce at age 52. Complete responsibility of taking care of someone from my age of 15. I had no one to lean on and thus have a difficult time letting others 'take care' of me. Even in small ways, someone getting me a cup of coffee has been difficult for me to accept. I'm working on this....one day at a time. Letting others do for me...take me places...cook for me...show me new worlds...bring me presents...what a different way of life. I'm learning to accept these gifts of time and attention and truly enjoying it. Much more of this and I'm going to be like a little silver sports car that has a spoiler on my butt! Nice!

I Want to be Goldilocks

I want to visit a world where everything is 'just right'. I don't want anything too big and I don't want anything too small....nothing too hot...nothing too cold...nothing too hard and nothing too soft. Boring? No....it's just a fantasy and just a visit! I'm Queen for a Day there also....

The Power of a Baby Doll

My first memory of knowing about death and thinking I was going to die was when I was 5 and in kindergarten. Polio was rampant. I remember my legs hurting like hell. I remember hearing my mom and the grownups talking about who all had caught polio in my classroom. I remember having a boyfriend and us sitting on the edge of our classroom holding hands. I remember being told he had polio and had died. I had no clue as to what this meant other than he was not at school any longer.

In the mid 50s, communism was the prevailing Boogeyman. Communism was going to take over the world and "crush" us as Nikita Kruchev promised, pounding his shoe on the desk of the Russian delegation at United Nations. Other than Howdy Doody (which I hated), this pounding of the shoe was my first memory of something on television. We had moved back to Texas by this time and I was in the 1st grade. The second thing I remember seeing on tv was a group of people announcing the end of the world coming. There was what I would call a large group, at the time; that were making preparations and going to hide in a cave nearby. I later found out it was Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico which was a bit over 100 miles from us. I didn't know which event was going to be the end of us all and I remember going and laying on my bed, heart pounding....sweating....scared as hell thinking I might as well lay down if I'm going to die. I was sure it was going to be any minute! I started thinking of being in my coffin and what I wanted to take with me to heaven. I remember that my baby doll was what I wanted to take with me. Over the years of my childhood, I remember thinking on my way to dreamland, going over my list of things I would take in my coffin with me. I could visualize being in the coffin...the space available and what I would have room to take with me. Having my baby doll with me made it all right with my world.

This memory was sparked by my grand daughter Megan putting her baby doll on my bed after I made the bed. She told me that she put it there so I wouldn't be alone. I went to bed that night with that baby doll next to me and it worked. It was like I had that little girl inside me back again and I was not alone. Comforting.

Valid Memories and Feelings

I just woke up from such a vivid real dream...unnerving to say the least....brought back memories. JED was alive again and had come to me telling me he wanted to be with me again and that he was off drugs....that he wanted to be in my heart again....he was laying in my arms below me to the side....I reached down and kissed him on the forehead...touched him and patted his chest and told him that he never left....I could feel his heart beating calmly and knew he was telling me the truth about being off drugs. Now I'm awake and reality hits me that he is dead and I'm missing him....sad to have lost him to a drug overdose...such a waste.

The bottom line is that no matter how or why a relationship ends...we still love a person for the time we loved them...for the reasons we loved them. It doesn't mean we are actively in that relationship nor that we would start that relationship again....it just means that...to me....love never dies...it's valid...for what it was when it was.

There should be no jealousies for these feelings...to me, it just shows that we have the capacity to love...it doesn't take away from anyone and certainly not actively being in love with that former love. We don't have control over memories and thoughts of other loves....it just is. We give in to those memories and feelings briefly and move on.