The Power of a Baby Doll

My first memory of knowing about death and thinking I was going to die was when I was 5 and in kindergarten. Polio was rampant. I remember my legs hurting like hell. I remember hearing my mom and the grownups talking about who all had caught polio in my classroom. I remember having a boyfriend and us sitting on the edge of our classroom holding hands. I remember being told he had polio and had died. I had no clue as to what this meant other than he was not at school any longer.

In the mid 50s, communism was the prevailing Boogeyman. Communism was going to take over the world and "crush" us as Nikita Kruchev promised, pounding his shoe on the desk of the Russian delegation at United Nations. Other than Howdy Doody (which I hated), this pounding of the shoe was my first memory of something on television. We had moved back to Texas by this time and I was in the 1st grade. The second thing I remember seeing on tv was a group of people announcing the end of the world coming. There was what I would call a large group, at the time; that were making preparations and going to hide in a cave nearby. I later found out it was Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico which was a bit over 100 miles from us. I didn't know which event was going to be the end of us all and I remember going and laying on my bed, heart pounding....sweating....scared as hell thinking I might as well lay down if I'm going to die. I was sure it was going to be any minute! I started thinking of being in my coffin and what I wanted to take with me to heaven. I remember that my baby doll was what I wanted to take with me. Over the years of my childhood, I remember thinking on my way to dreamland, going over my list of things I would take in my coffin with me. I could visualize being in the coffin...the space available and what I would have room to take with me. Having my baby doll with me made it all right with my world.

This memory was sparked by my grand daughter Megan putting her baby doll on my bed after I made the bed. She told me that she put it there so I wouldn't be alone. I went to bed that night with that baby doll next to me and it worked. It was like I had that little girl inside me back again and I was not alone. Comforting.