Giving up

There are so many self-help books about starting over at about age 40. For me, I was 52.

In my youth, I couldn't wait until I was 30. I babysat for a woman who was 30 who had what I thought was having a perfect life. She had a loving husband, two beautiful children, a beautiful house, rewarding teaching career, and two matching lamps. Then when I hit 30, suddenly I had a voice. It was fun! I could get away with speaking my mind to anyone....I had power. Yes, I had two matching lamps...I had arrived! Also at this time, I had two best friends who had turned 40 and they said 'if you think 30 is something, wait until you turn 40. When I turned 40, they were now 50 and told me that 50 was so much better than 40. Now they have turned 60 and are enjoying life like they never have before. I'm enjoying my age in so many ways that it must be illegal if I got found out.

At 50 I started rejecting all my previous values of life. Suddenly I needed to 'find myself'. I had always thought it was a load of crap when a movie would be about a woman or a man going off to 'find themselves'. Well, now I was in this mode. It is more finding a person's self power and learning to love themselves. It's a difficult and gutwrenching journey. I was still thinking like I was 18 inside my head....my body was 50...and my emotional age was that of about 5 years old. The changes that happen to a woman's body at 50 are unbelievable. Every woman I've ever known at about this age either reject their sexuality and stop their sexlives cold turkey or they go on to discover their passion. I chose the latter and have not only not looked back, but I have happily come a long way.

I finally like myself now and yes, even have periods where I love myself. I'm learning to make choices that are good for me. I reject anyone who is negative and pulling me down with their selfdeprecating guilt trips they try to impose on me. I seek out friends who have a positive outlook on life and actively seek joy in their lives. I don't have time to wallow in their pity with them. I don't have time to wallow in my pity....and yes....selfpity still rears it's ugly head at me from time to time.

I now realize that I have choices that I can make for me. I can go after my dreams even if it means only a handful of years I have left to enjoy them. I have found that I have something to give younger people if they are willing to take it. I have found that I am a bit 'weird' and people see me as possibly essentric but I enjoy this weirdness...truly enjoy what's going on inside my head. I've had a life 'epiphany' of sorts and welcome all those who want to experience a full life and a learning life with me. I still have a lot to give a partner but this time I want something in return. I would choose me for a friend/lover/mentor. I'm looking forward to having my own home just the way I want it. If someone wants to come along with me, wonderful! If not, sadly, their loss. No one is going to keep me down.

Oh, and I got rid of my matching lamps...