More dreams in the night

What happens from one night to a morning that when you wake up you’re just in a really lousy mood? How does a depression just take hold of a person in the night time? All in one night. Is it depression or realization? You wake to realize that you’d been living in a fantasy world…a fantasy world that made it possible to put one foot in front of the other…keep on keeping on. Not one human being caring what goes on inside your head...not a hope or a dream or a feeling....not a smile... You feel total isolation. Saying to yourself that what you have or have had in your life wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Not that it is great…just not as bad as others have had. You hope for and want a pretty life with love and touch and cherishing. You wake to realize that you never had it and realize that there is no possible hope that you ever will. You buy into the universal idea that you have someone meant for you….that someday you will have the home and family and love of your dreams. A smile….a good morning dear…how was your night…a good evening…how was your day…come, sit with me and share a special moment. At different times in your life you ‘think’ a feeling is love only to realize it was either one sided or not love enough to sustain time…never enough…other things are more important…work…other women…drugs…power…you’re just not pretty enough or smart enough….or talented enough…or clean enough…or sexy enough… How do you face the rest of your life knowing you will never be touched again? Never be held? Never be cherished? Never know the look of love in someone’s eyes? How do you fill the days and nights alone? How do you convince yourself that none of this matters….that you can have a happy life without these things? You don’t. You pretend. And you hope that you can have days and months between the dreams in the night that wake you in the morning realizing that you have nothing. I've been asked recently, 'when was the last time you cried?'....how do you answer that you don't ever remember not crying?