My Candle

My candle burns at both ends; it will not last the night; but ah, my foes, and oh, my friends - it gives a lovely light!
Edna St. Vincent Millay

Hands

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might…"
Ecclesiastes 9:10a

Secrets

What do we do when we are alone? What do we do when no one sees what we do?

Do people pick their noses, fart uncontrollably, take up the whole bed instead of sleeping on one side only? What characteristics do we reveal to ourselves? Are we honorable or dishonorable? Are we Mr. Jeckle or Mr. Hyde? What could our friends or family be able to tell about us that we do when we are alone? A true friend or family would know and love us anyway.

Enlightenment

Strange things have happened to me. But events did not flow toward a single momentous revelation, one blooming pyrotechnic end-- Enlightenment! --with chrysanthemum fireworks bursting in the night. No, it was a great jumble of facts, instead, with ghosts on top of angels, and dreams and serendipitous coincidences, intertwining with the normal everyday.

-Sophy Burnham,
"A Book of Angels"

Be Sent Now My Love

I dreamed I wrote a sonnet named ‘Be Sent Now My Love’. I sure wish I'd read it!

Parents

I assume at one time or the other, everyone resents their parents and deal with them because they have to. I was thinking that when I was watching grown children bringing their visually impaired parent to our recent low vision seminar. But then I watched these 'children' and realized there are people who truly care for their parent/s.

With both my parents long dead, there are times I would relish the chance to care for each of them one more time.

To believe or not to believe

In my opinion, people who don't believe in God or a higher power are just using an excuse to do the things they do without thinking of having to pay for their decisions/actions. How lonely it must be.

We're told that God has a plan for our lives. I of course, would like to not only know the plan, know times and dates, but also get to choose the outcomes.

We're told that without trials and tribulations, we wouldn't appreciate our joys. I of course wouldn't mind a few weeks of joys without trials and tribulations.

We're told to trust in God's plan for us, to question these decisions is not trusting. I of course figure God gave me a brain to question. I'm sure there are days that even I tax God's patience.

I've noticed that in times of extreme sorrow or pain, even the people who espew that they don't believe in God...they pray to God.

Existance

Existance is define by minutes, hours and days; always giving, but never able to take.


Do I regret the decisions in my life? Very seldom. Do I wish for things I do not have? More than I should. Do I dream of love and the world outside my door? Yes!

Every decision I've made has made me who I am today. Would I have done things differently? Yes. I'd have liked to learn to make choices better, learned to love myself sooner and told a few people where to take a hike and kiss my ass. But, all in all, every decision seems in retrospect to have had a positive effect on my life.

Mostly, I'm learning to be content in the knowledge that my shoulders are strong enough to bear the responsibilities within my life.

My Dolls

My first major was a Debbie Reynolds bride doll (with boobs...PRE-Barbie) on the top shelf at CR Anthony's. I went to look at it daily...except weekends since stores weren't open back then. It had to be about 1958 or 1959...cost $10 I remember and I was absolutely praying for it, knowing it cost too much for mom to buy for me. My birthday came...was a Saturday morning so I guess I could look on the net at old calendars and see what year it was...I got my chores done and we walked to town, mom and I. She told me she was going to buy it for me...and remember..this was getting ready for school time so I had never had a present before for my birthday. I don't remember walking...I just remember floating the two blocks to town. When we got there, there was another lady and little girl holding the doll getting ready to purchase it, but had not decided for sure. My mom pulled me aside and told me that if the little girl chose the doll, that I would have to be a big girl and let her have it since she was younger. Funny, I understood in my disappointment. We walked away to pretend not to be interested and the lady put the doll back up on the shelf. I grabbed mom and we grabbed the doll, mom paid for it and I was in heaven. I'll bet I made that doll over 100 dresses AND bras and panties...she had high heels too. When I went away to college, mom took it to her classroom and let the children play with it and they tore it up. A few years ago, after searching the net for years, I found her again....without the bride dress....and bought her. I have yet to make her bride dress again...but I remember every seam and piece of lace so I'll get to it someday.

My second favorite doll was a 'Ruthie' doll. She was a baby doll with curly hair. She had a bottle and she wet her diaper! What a novel idea! I'll bet Niagra Falls couldn't compare to quantity of water with what I put through that babydoll. I sewed clothes for this doll also. I did somehow manage to save her with only a little bit of her curly hair messed up for my daughter. I have a photo of Rodina (about age 2) when I first gave her Ruthie and she discovered that the doll wet her diaper...the look of utter amazement and surprise. Knowing Rodina now, I'm sure she was thinking 'What the heck...mom's giving me a baby to take care of? Is she sick or what? Doesn't she know that I'm a baby myself?' Still, I love that photo...it was me attempting to pass on my love of a doll and giving her that connection to 'girlhood'.

My grand daughters have many many dolls. I keep telling Rodina that she needs to wean out the dolls so that they have one or two special dolls to learn to have a special relationship with. When we were children, we got ONE gift at Christmas. This was always a doll for the girls...what self respecting girl wouldn't want only a doll? These dolls had to be a babydoll of course. Those dollbabies were our closest friend for the year. This is training to be a mommy.

Pick up a pebble

I do not know what I may appear to the world; but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me. --Isaac Newton

I once read that even something so small as picking up a pebble on a beach alters the future. Each thing we do alters us and our world. Each person we meet alters our world. I've often said that I don't know a stranger but the truth is, I'll even talk to the picture of a person on a milk carton....my world gets altered often. How we view our world alters our world...each thought can be positive or negative. There is so much of this ocean of truth laying out there all undiscovered before me....time to start discovering!

It's a comfort nightie

Tonight I’m wearing my secret nightie. Every woman has one. It’s a comfort nightie. It’s I hate men nightie. It’s I’mhatingtheworldleavemealone nightie that a woman puts on the second she walks through her door nightie. It’s a black silk nightshirt that practically covers me head to toe that has Chinese dragons and mums all over it and two more people could fit in it with me nightie. It’s been that kind of day nightie. It's a 'women’s rules that we change as soon as a man stumbles across understanding so we change the rules' nightie. Oh well, we women have those kind of days. It’s a comfort nightie. It’s a ‘what are you wearing’ nightie that some man asks you online and you tell him you’re wearing some red silk sexy nightie cut from there clear to here nightie when you’re really wearing your secret nightie nightie. It’s a I hurt everywhere even my hair hurts nightie. It’s definitely a leave me alone no way am I going to put out nightie. It’s a comfort nightie and I wished I’d bought two!

Temporary

We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience.