Thursday must be 'Venting' Day

I rarely get ticked off..but when I do, I pull out all the old thoughts and hurts and run them over and over again inside my head. I haven't done it out loud in over 35 years to anyone because I don't think it's fair. However, it doesn't mean I'm perfect inside my head and heart. I got ticked off at my apartment manager yesterday who is a stupid bimbo from hell and I let her have it with both barrells. I had made a $5 mistake on my rent....and I got a nasty letter from them demanding that I bring them a $5 money order or cashier's check. In 4 months, I will have been renting from this place for 6 years. My rent has always been on time and it's not like I'm going to move out in 2 days....my check has always been good. And, if I can't make a $5 check good, then I'm in serious trouble I figure. Anyway....back to venting.....I said some really harsh words to this gal and I'm ashamed and embarrassed by my behavior. It's not that I don't still feel these things are true, but I should have been a better person.

Ok, so of course here goes my mind racing at everything I'm pissed about. To put it simply, who the fuck cares about Ruth? I've been alone going on 6 years now. Not once in all this time has one person picked up the phone and called me to come spend a holiday with them. Not one person has ever called me up and wished me a happy birthday....a merry christmas....a happy valentine's day...happy easter...invited me to spend july 4th with them...hell, I can't even get someone to spend a whole weekend with me....much less invite me to spend it with them. Am I such horrible company?

Sometimes I realize that I do too much for people. I'm the one calling others up...I'm the one inviting them over for a home cooked meal...ok..ok..apartment cooked meal....used to host all the parties at my house....host lunches for my friends on a weekly basis....I call and wish happy birthday....I give the presents...I go help clean several friend's houses and have for years....I stay at work extra or work a day off so that others can spend time with their families...it's not like I have someplace to go or see.

Right now I'm worried how I'm going to come up with buying a vehicle for my daughter. She is doing her best to put a roof over her children's heads and food on the table. It's not easy and I know it....but she is plugging along so hard. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to come up with a place to buy or build....who is going to help me think it through? I get lonely....I get tired...I worry...I get sad...I get hurts....I cry believe it or not. Who holds me? Who wipes away my tears? Not one GD fucking person.

I do have two girlfriends and one male friend online who are at a great distance from me who will listen to me vent....but sure as hell is hard to feel arms around me from a computer screen.

Well...I'm empty...I'm done...finished. The fucking world can just go bite someone else's butt. I'm just empty right now.