A day in the life of some memories

I can't quit crying and I need to get this out... this is gonna sound really really stupid....but there is no accounting for emotions:

My daughter's van had to be taken in this morning to be looked at and maybe fixed. My ex took me to work. J picked me up. Right off the bat stupid stuff kept happening but no big deal. He had offered to loan me his old Bronco that he's going to sell for a couple of days so I said thanks. The Bronco needed it's inspection so I took it up to Jiffy Lube to get it inspected...It stalled on me once but started right up... Got the inspection done and it wouldn't start...I figured it had been sitting too long. Anyway, I called J...he was only about 10 blocks away at the time. Got the Bronco going so I took it to his house for him to check it over. I only waited a little while till he got home. Well here's the deal... he didn't yell at me... he didn't accuse me of doing something wrong.... he didn't assume I was stupid and messed something up..he didn't get upset.... he just sweetly took care of it and was more concerned that I might have gotten stranded. I was fine. It felt so damned good watching him take care of the car. I have never had anything so sweet happen to me. Then I came home and just fell apart. I couldn't stop crying from being so overwhelmed. I had forgotten all the years of being yelled at and criticized. It was like I couldn't handle being treated so nicely. How did I expect to be treated? I have to admit that I was actually scared to call J to tell him that the car wouldn't start....not realizing I was scared. What a relief it was when I got home. When I got home I was exhausted....I felt like I had just been in a war. I cried so hard for over an hour....like there was no end to the hurt and crying. Tears still come just trying to write this. This fucking shit doesn't ever seem to go away....the memories catch up to you. It never occurred to me that I would have this reaction. I spent 52 years of being afraid...of being abused. I thought it was over. Thankfully, it is over as far as my life is concerned now....just will take a long time to forget...


Addendum: I got to thinking more about things and added the following: I'm still crying and I'm still overwhelmed, but at least I've had my say. If in Megan's or Mandy's life or their children or their children....and they read my words and my words make a difference, then my words are worth it.

There were four main people who have verbally abused me since my first memories and continued until the last man who lived with me until 10 months ago left. With all four of the people who have verbally abused me....different family members and friends have witnessed it. Not one person ever spoke up for me. Not one. Oh...they would tell me separately not to take the abuse... or they would tell me what assholes the abuser was, but not one would confront those four people. Yes I needed to grow a spine, and I have....but always I secretly wished that one person would stick up for me.

So many people don't understand the ramifications of abuse. It's not the physical abuse...the sexual abuse...the emotional abuse nor the verbal abuse alone that is so damaging. You become to believe that since everyone does this to you, then they must be correct. You take the abuse. When people who purport to love and care for you don't stick up for you....then there is more damage seemingly to confirm your worthlessness. This isn't right. I will not ever put up with this behavior again...neither the abuse nor the unspoken words of speaking out to the abuser against their actions. I will always admire and try to emulate people of character who are not afraid to speak out.