Bad Obituary Gone Wrong

I had to give an example to a friend of an obituary and how I wanted it laid out and came up with the following one. Once I got started, I couldn't stop. It's funny to me...may not be funny to anyone else in the world.

When I visit our cemetery that I'm helping to photo enumerate, I am struck by all the perfect people. Not one headstone says anything differently. All the deceased were angels incarnate, loving husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, children. All will be missed. Some of them were so saintly in their lives, the headstones purport the deceased to be sitting up in heaven at the right hand of Jesus. It's sort of like the phenomenon of little old ladies who were bitches in life and become saintly little old ladies in their elder years.

City Daily News
6 Nov 1945

Joe Blow, 79 Died Thursday

Joe Blow, 79 died Thursday at home. He was not a saint or a perfect man. He didn't make it as a husband, father, brother, friend but was a success as an enemy and all around jerk. The world seldom sees perfect jerks, but Joe Blow was one.

He worked for 45 years for Jerks Unlimited in their public relations department. He was successful in training 544 additional Jerks for his company and excelled in 'Speed Training for Jerks'. He will be remembered for many years as the man who could give a boot suppository faster than anyone of the company in history. Upon speaking with a spokesperson with the company, a little history was given.

He was notorious for being rude, crude and ill-mannered. One of his most prized possessions was a gigantic bucket of screws he so readily and happily put to each and everyone he met. He didn't discriminate who he put the screws to, he joyfully put them to all that knew him and a plethora of people he never met. His motto was 'a day without a screw was a day without sunshine'. He was honored by his peers at the time for his books he wrote, 'Shafts-R-Us' and 'Make Em Squirm' that sold exactly 544 copies each. He was in the final writings of his soon to be released book, 'Up Yours' will be released in the fall.

Surviving are his three ex-wives, his estranged children and many, many ex-acquaintences and former colleagues, all who do not want to be mentioned by name. He will not be missed by all.

He will be buried in City Cemetery with a 16 Boot Salute if eight people can be found to do this tribute. His headstone will be in the shape of a boot with an eternal torch burning out of the toe so that everyone will know and understand true meaning of 'jerkhoodism'.