PTSD

It was suggested to me that I might have PTSD....I looked it up and perhaps I MIGHT.
http://www.sidran.org/ptsdbrochure.html

The insomnia and flashbacks are certainly there. Total avoidance of something that would remind me of the events is there. The continual nightmares are there. It bugs the hell out of me that I am so very afraid of Sylvia touching me in a massage. It's been suggested more than once that a massage or two would help me with my so very painful shoulder. That the thought of it instantly makes me cry....But it fits! Every time I think about her giving me a massage, I get this vision of my mom holding me down during my abuse and I panic inside...the feeling of screaming and running away as fast as I can....it's there. I was thinking it had more to do with my dad and then later Ben's wreck and how it destroyed our marriage.... I was thinking it had more to do with my lifelong abuse. Maybe it's a combination of all of it.

I witnessed it first hand with my brother when he came back from Vietnam for over 17 years. It never occurred that it might have something to do with me!

Sylvia has never once not been a friend to me. I feel safe with her in general. When she hugs me and kisses me hello or goodbye, I don't feel panic...it feels like just a genuine hug and kiss from a friend...it's comforting.

The fact of recognizing it and perhaps the literature I can order might help...plus there should be so much online. Just the knowlege of it maybe being the cause is power to me....power of my continual fight to become whole and get past my anger of the abuse and my two abusive marriages. I think I have been given a new window of understanding and power after looking this up on the net. It may or may not be correct but it certainly is worth looking into. I'm not looking to feel sorry for myself nor am I looking for attention. I can't change the events of my life. But, I CAN keep continuing to gain the power to overcome all these 'life challenges' as I put it.

I KNOW I can win! It just takes time. I will study this.