My Choices....or better put....and I shaved my legs for this???

I don't have a great track record making choices where it comes to men. I can see an improvement but I have so far to go. I have the voices inside my head that are self depracating and I'm pretty hard on myself. It's not that I haven't learned to love myself....it's more that I'm digging myself out of the hole of abuse and control that I've had for the first 52 years of my life. I keep choosing men who don't see my worth....they don't see my heart...who am I kidding....they don't even try. It all starts out so wonderfully and I'm a giving person....oh, the men think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread each time....but it always ends up with them using me and throwing me away. All but two I've developed and maintained friendships, (and good friendships also) but they have no desire to love me and keep me....to cherish me. Maybe it's my habit to ask for nothing for myself and settle for less. All I know is that I now can't do it any longer....I can't and don't desire even the continued friendships after the 'love affair' is over any longer. I don't even want to be bothered most times. They didn't really care for me when they had me I find....so why should I give them my friendship? Why should I care for them? Not one damned reason!

I keep feeling like there's a piece of the puzzle missing and I just can't find it. I guess my latest decisions seem to be working better for me. I have my male friends who I enjoy the friendships and the conversations and the companionship and I have my lovers....I keep them separate in my heart. If a man isn't assertive enough to initiate a physical relationshp with me....I'm not about to ask or beg. I can dance that dance for a lifetime and they will never know I desire them. Their loss. But if they can muster up the courage to express their desire and be willing to give back to me....I'll damned sure give as good as I get.

Once a lover is only a friend, there is no more sex between us. Oh, they ask...but either a man is my lover and friend or he is my friend only. I do not have sex with my friends for any reason. I've tried the exclusive relationships and I always get burned on this one. It's now about me and what pleasures a man can give me. It feels good to be desired for what ever reason. I'm not looking for 'love' or a permanent relationship any longer....either it happens or it doesn't. I really don't care any longer what the reason a man desires me...I'm not expecting anything of them and certainly don't feel 'loved' by them...I'll enjoy the pleasures of each man and of each day. If and when there is a man who is man enough to see me and my heart and put a ring on my finger, I'll give my all. Until then... and fortunately for me....there are so many men....so little time!