Thinking and Questions

I've been thinking again. Ok...yes, this is dangerous territory. Having been alone basically for the last three weeks I guess I've been thinking overtime. There is something about my writing something down...ok, typing something....that seems to develop between me and my brain and the computer screen. There is something for me to having to put something down in a logical order, having to be concise and clear in the wordage I'm using, having to see as many sides of the coin as I can that helps me to see my thoughts and emotions better. This exploring of my thoughts right now is not intended to be self flagellation or feeling sorry for myself. More so, this is to help me think about who I am, where I am and where I'm going.

What makes a person want to be with another person? This wanting is not what one can do for the other but rather just being in another person's presence. This wanting to be near physically, actively in another person's life is what I'm thinking about. I see couples that have committed to each other in the form of marriage. They want to be in each other's lives, share their days and nights, share their dreams, share their sorrows and laughter.

If no one wants to be with me other than on a limited basis...does this mean there is a flaw in me? Does anyone wake up with thoughts of me? Does anyone think about me during the day and before they go to sleep thinking they want to see me...hear my voice...listen to my words....feel my touch? I've had it once for a brief period of time. That person was so very proud to be with me, be seen with me, looked at me with that special smile that made me feel wanted and needed...desired. It was exciting and awesome. The words were actually formed that the person wanted to be with me, was excited to see me in person and in the meantime, actively called me several times a day wanting to hear my voice, wanting to hear what I was doing, wanting to share that bubble of time where the world was on hold while we spoke. To be desired and shown that I was desired as a person, this was awesome. How I got to this age without ever feeling or experiencing this...truly having this is beyond my comprehension. Not having it before except for little brief moments in time, I didn't know what I was missing. It was a fantasy or fiction in a book these feelings...such total fiction that it never occurred to me that it could be real. That I had those feelings towards others, yes, but then I thought I was flawed somehow.

Anyway, back to the ranch. When I see these married couples...and some in just a committed relationship, I look and watch them. I wonder why they know they want to be with that person for a lifetime. What did each of them show each other to each other that would make them make this decision? There are some of these couples who seem to have so much more between them. They truly have become one. They are the special ones. I want to be one of the special ones with a special one. If I got it, would I understand it? Would I be capable of embracing it and giving my heart unconditionally? That I can be totally faithful to a love, this I know is in me. That I could be that special person to another person, this I know is in me. That I could accept or believe that I was that special person to another person, I don't know. It just doesn't seem real to me.

What's real to me is being and living alone. What's real to me is having someone in my life who is with me on a limited time basis. What's real to me is having wonderful friends who care about me but even they have their own lives to lead. Needy? No, I'm not needy I think. Wanting, yes. Desiring, yes. I could easily see me sharing a man's life. I can't see a man sharing my life with him and I certainly can't see me being in a true committed relationship where we both shared together our lives. Again, I do now know I want this last fantasy, just don't know if the fantasy will be mine to live. The biggest questions to me are do I have the capacity to love again to accept this in my life as real and can I trust that it would be real and freely given to me just because it was me who was desired?

Another thought I've had posed to me is how much is enough for me? In a dating situation, how much time spent together is enough, how much apart time is enough? What is smothering vs. desiring just to be together? Always questions. Sometime, it's just better to enjoy what I have and let the rest just unfold. This requires patience and everyone who knows me, this is not my best feature.