My Feather Story

Summer 1996
rlp

This is my story about my feathers. It may sound hoakey to some people, but it is real to me. I wrote it when I was still married to Ben.

After Ben's accident, I did not have time to think of me. I just had to focus on taking care of Ben's physical and emotional needs. Things weren't too easy for the first two years. Spring of 1997, the worry was unbelievable. Before Ben's wreck, I had always prayed but felt there was no one on the receiving end. I then changed my prayers to those of thanksgiving that I still had Ben alive and this seemed to calm me and realize that there was more to the scheme of life than I had imagined. But still I worried and prayed for God to just help me get through another day and another night of being awakened four or more times with Ben's pain, nightmares and fears. The marriage was not going good....anything would set Ben off. Well, Ben had bought me a van and I had dropped a cigarette on the carpet between the seats. Realizing that he would be very angry at my not taking care of the van, I decided to go see if I could find a carpet sample to 'cover' the burn plus help avoid more damage later. I was at a stop sign and and praying the carpet sample would work and Ben would not be angry. Then I got to thinking that it was pretty unreasonable of me to ask God to help me in an ordinary daily event that I had caused. Then at the same time, I was thinking about these feathers that a friend had from her pet birds (cockatoos---green, blue, red....BEAUTIFUL FEATHERS!!)...she had so many and really, I was jealous that she had so many feathers. Well, the week before, her husband had found a dead pigeon and plucked the feathers for her. I really thought I could have used some feathers for my baskets and that would be just the thing that would make them special. I was green for those feathers. Then, I got to thinking that I should not have strayed off the subject and that it was pretty rude to be praying one minute and be thinking jealously the next. Well, then I got to the carpet place and got ready to get out of the van. I just said a little prayer that I was sorry for being so selfish and made a 'deal' with God that I would try to have more faith in his decisions for mine and Ben's life if he would just help a LITTLE in showing me the way.

Well, this was a warm spring day with a good breeze when I had gotten into the van. When I stepped out of the van, it was still and there were all these pigeon feathers ALL OVER THE PARKING LOT! I could not believe my luck! I picked them ALL up scouring even under my van. I went in, got my carpet sample. While the lady at the store was in the back getting me the sample, I thought, this is really strange.....was this a sign that God had given me that I should not worry and he would take care of me? I thought, why the heck would God take out time to give me the feathers I so desperately wanted....I am just one person...not even important in the big scheme of the world. I thought, does God REALLY give people signs?? Well, I paid my fifty cents for the sample and go back to my van clutching the feathers I had in one hand and the carpet sample in the other. I get to the van and there are more and more feathers on the ground. I am really getting chills about this but don't say anything to anyone about this because I figured no one would believe me....or at least make fun of my 'sign'.

Well, my prayers changed. All I could think to pray about was how much God had done for me and Ben started changing. I got more sleep. I was only awakened at night sometimes as few as 2 times. Both Ben and I were getting calmer.

A week or so after finding the feathers, I was carrying out the trash thinking about my feathers and hoping I was correct that God had given them to me. I hit the garage door opener, go out and right there are more feathers! Ok, I am feeling good about this.

The next day, I am at the studio making pots and went outside. I can not get God and the feathers off my mind. My pots are sure looking good as I am more rested and happier. I went outside to the courtyard to smoke and there on the ground are more feathers!

Now, I decide I can not take it anymore....I HAVE to tell someone! Well, that evening, I told Ben. Sure enough, he makes fun of me but he is really serious about God and did not dare make fun of God.

Now, we have a Blue Jay in our yard that doesn't fly away every time we are near. He even landed on the grill when I am cooking hamburgers. He has let me touch his 'feet' and even flew into my girl friend's hand. Doing research on what feathers I could legally own and use, I learn that Blue Jay feathers are completely unlawful to even own much less use. But, I got it in my head that I would at least like to have a Blue Jay feather just for me to keep. Well, one day, Ben and I had had an argument and I huffed off. He went outside to water the yard. In a little while, he came in bringing me a Blue Jay feather. I had not verbalized that I wanted one.....I think Ben knew.

Then, I get word that a good friend, Helen has cancer and it is not looking good. It is in the liver. I am friends also with her sister, Alyce and the cancer was hurting Alyce also. I want to tell them about my feathers and tell them to look to God but don't know how to tell them without sounding like some religious fanatic. I was in the shower thinking I could make a little card and draw a feather on the cards but I only had one Blue Jay feather and not only did I not want to give it up, I only had one. Do I give it to Helen or do I give it to Alyce....which one needed it the most. I got finished with my shower and a friend came to visit so we were in the patio. Ben comes in, and said, here, I found these for you......they were TWO MATCHING Blue Jay feathers! Problem solved! (By the way, Helen died but we did get to spend some good time together.) Thank you God.

Ok, now I am getting these feathers. I have a box of them. I find them when I am worried....I hear this message in my heart not to worry when I find them. I am a worrier. I try not to be, but I guess you could say I 'think' heavily....When I went thru my worst part of my depression, I found feathers...this kept me holding on. Ben threw temper tantrums at my being depressed. He would lock me in our bedroom until I 'got better'. I find feathers when I am thinking about life and what do I make of it all. I was thinking the other morning on my walk (I use my time during my walk for my prayers) about just giving in to pressures and not follow my dreams and I hear in my heart not to give up and look down and there is this BEAUTIFUL feather....don't know what kind but it is from a bird that LOOKS like a small eagle feather.....well, if one could get into trouble with a Blue Jay feather, this is BIG TROUBLE in the feather collecting world! A game warden would not only take my feathers, but would slap me with a fine I could never pay if it were an actual eagle feather! Game wardens in this area take this stuff seriously...I once had a friend who had his WHOLE booth confiscated because he had what the game warden thought was an eagle feather....it was actually a chicken feather he had painted to look like an eagle feather. It cost him several thousand dollars in legal fees plus all the lost sales of that particular craft show (he usually made about seven thousand at a show...) Found feathers are treated as unknowns and therefore are illegal to own. One can ONLY have feathers that they purchase and boy you had better have proof. Even a pheasant feather from a legally hunted pheasant is off limits. Those feathers have to be purchased from a legal game bird breeder
or a store that has a license. Even hobby and craft stores home office better have proof where they got the feathers. Well, that is the case here in Texas.

Legal or illegal, I have my feathers. They are precious to me.

Well, the moral of the story is, I get feathers given to me by God as I need them. Sometimes I don't know what the feather means. Sometimes the feathers are really dirty...but I take them anyway. I feel this is my special gift to me. All I have to do to feel calm and loved is look at my feather collection. I want to make something out of my feathers someday, but will make it when I feel the time is right.

Footnote and update, January 3, 2002:

I have shared my feather story with my brother Oren a few years ago. He believed me but we haven't spoken about it in a long time. I was watching a show a few months ago about a young girl who grew up in unbelievably hard circumstances. Worse than what I had to go through. This girl still loved her parents and harbored no ill feelings for them. You could see it in her eyes...she truly forgave them. Well, it hit me really right between the eyes. In an instant I forgave my parents. I still have the memories, and sometimes they are sad, but I truly don't have the hate in my heart anymore towards them. God gave me this in a instant with no thunderclaps or lightning....just a PEACE in my heart.

A week later, I called Oren to tell him about the tv show and my forgiveness and peace. He listened intently and was truly happy for me. Then he said to hang on....he was in their spare bedroom where his wife Sharon has her treadmill....he then got back on the phone and said, "You aren't going to believe this Ruth...I just looked down and found a feather on Sharon's treadmill." Oren was so excited that he has his first feather and that God's miracle for me had spread to him. I hope he finds a million feathers.

I have a dear friend Brenda with whom I shared my feather story. She gets feathers also. She has found the peace in them.

Footnote and update, December 4, 2005

Oren, Brenda and I still get feathers. They still are important to me.